Between places--a heart thing!

      Belmont Shores, California--my walking spot

                                                              Quito,Ecuador--view at my   thinking/prayer spot




  



This week I have had to stop and think where I am more than once.  I have awakened in the night unsure which way I should go to the bathroom, and had to stop and think if someone was waiting for me at Corfu, or the oms guest house or....I have thrown tp in trash (it took me the better part of my ten days to get in that groove again in Ecuador, and was just getting there when we got on a plane and returned to California), I have looked for my water bottle to brush my teeth at night, only to realize I CAN use tap water here for that.  I have found myself thinking of something I wanted to tell sandi, cam, christy, Marlo, or Beth, only to realize that was last week's opportunity and community, this week that means email or Skype!  And yes, last week these same things were happening in reverse; needing to share some tidbit with one of the kids but the three hour time difference, etc. making that much more complicated than a quick phone call or text.  I will settle in, it just takes time, and I have just had moments this week where the vital necessity of savoring each day and place while you are there has struck me with fresh urgency.   There is a time for everything as Solomon says in ecc. 3--God has appointed that time, best not to miss those precious divine appointments due to having my head in last week or in next week! But also that includes giving myself the grace of time to adjust and reaclimate and rest.
I have found myself asking God to grant me the capacity to be all here, wherever here is and for however long or short it is.  This is going to be life for the next little while so I don't want to waste it being disoriented and out of it, I just want to learn how to lean in to Jesus more, and accept my limits yet live beyond them in as much as that looks like having the spirit of the living God work through me doing whatI never could on my own, or in my own strength.  So wisdom and discernment to know the difference between depending on Holy Spirit and when a limit in personality or physical strength or emotional strength is God given and meant to be attended to.  These are some of the things that I have been praying and puzzling over this week.  Teach me to glorify you with all I am and am not in this season of being between worlds in a newer and more intense way.  Amen.

Back in Lakewood

I wonder if it will ever not seem incredible to me that I woke up in Quito and went to sleep in Lakewood on same day!!!!!  Maybe it would be better to travel by boat after all because you have time to process it all! Crazy for sure!  But looks like I need to figure out a way to take it in stride as for at least the next year we will go back and forth to Quito every quarter for a month or so!  I wake up not sure where I am, but that goes with this territory I think.  Hopefully soon I can send some pics along of this time in Ecuador!  Still working on that.  So have a great day!  Take care and make sure you are on the hunt for those eucharisteos (grace gifts)!

Thankful today!

To those of you who saw the prayer request about favor with the landlady, THANK YOU for praying.  We have already heard back from her and we can just take over Millers lease for the second year and it looks like she will honor the price as well not raising the rent!  This was all part of our prayers and see this as another important piece in this journey.  We will be able to buy the Millers appliances and maybe some other pieces too, this is good for them and great for us, instead of spending an inordinate of time and energy looking for a place and then the lengthy process of setting up, installing appliances etc, we will move in and put milk in fridge, have functioning washer/dryer and stove!  Only those of you who have lived overseas can fully appreciate the magnitude of this provision! As we will be spending about one month every quarter in Ecuador over the next year, this maximizes our ministry time and makes the set up very manageable.  I would guess a couple of long days of work and we can have our boxes unpacked, sorted and things put away, ready to have you over for a cup of coffee!  Another fun fact is that we will be right down the street from good friends, the Vivancos and Christy Stumbo, around ethe corner from the living and learningr semester apartment, perhaps on the same street as the new boys apartment as well!  The Youth World office is within walking distance, as is La plaza de las Americas.  I am asking God for grace to go into a season of more travel and back and forth in and out of two places than I feel comfortable with!  However, comfort is not a goal here, and this certainly puts me in a place to again live Way BEYOND MYSELF depending on The Lord Jesus to go before me and be my continuity!  I am excited to give it a try and see.  We will evaluate as we go and we will constantly be seeking God's guidance, that never changes.  So pray with us, with me, for continued provision to cover every aspect of what it will take to be between worlds and engage well, be all there, wherever "there" is!  And please pray for our family too that a God will strengthen our bonds across miles when we are separated, and pray that my heart doesn't break when I say goodbyes -- I have been told that won't be easy with a grand baby!  Truth is my heart isn't really very good at goodbyes, never has been, maybe God will help me get better through all this practice?!?!  So, signing off from Quito, the next time I write I will probably be back in Lakewood!

With love from Ecuador!

Hi there!
Writing you from what may be our new home when we are in Ecuador , kind of fun to begin imagining that.  It is an especially big blessing as my dear friend has called this her home over last year, and for first time I would move into a place and just make it home!  No days of scrubbing and painting etc.  never happened in any of our "permanent" rental homes anywhere!  As I get older I notice my energy is not what it once was, and as we will be coming in and out of Ecuador it will be wonderful not to chew through days cleaning, painting, and finding stuff.  We will hopefully just buy millers appliances and be good to go!  Please pray with us about this miraculous provision--that God would allow the landlord to give us favor to assume same affordable rent, for the transition and getting settled into this new stage and the transition that will go with it.  There will be things we need to purchase to make a home here as we sold most of our big things when we left, like beds, table, kitchen things and linens.  However, the big necessities will be in place.   Please just pray with us for God to guide and provide!
I have yet to figure out photo uploading on this new gadget of mine!  Sorry that I don't have pictures to spice it up.

A Picture is worth a thousand words!

 Our little tree!  Our home is 880 square feet, so long gone are the days of big trees!  Austin actually laughed out loud when he came in and looked way down at this little guy!  But I loved it.  I have loved the opportunity to simplify Christmas.  All our stuff is in Ecuador, so the last three Christmas celebrations have been easy to decorate for.  I have decided I much prefer it, and will probably get rid of most of what I have in Ecuador! 
I just enjoy that it takes about one hour to put stuff out, and about that to take it down! 

The new Christmas angel!

 Here it is...all the trimmings for the tree!  See what I mean?!  Maybe you could experiment with simplifying Christmas.  There are many places that could put your extra ornaments and decorations to good use.  I know that I have a friend who helps in a ministry to women and they have homes that they try to decorate for Christmas for these women, and their children, most of whom are trying to get a second chance in life.  Just an idea! 

 I wanted this to be a separate blog.  Oh well!  I am still learning.  These next pictures are for Brian Morrish!  This was a great miniature train village out at the Living Desert.  The detail was truly amazing.  Since I was a little girl I have been fascinated with trains like this.  It was fun to hear that Brian and his dad love trains too.  So I thought of him as I walked around this train village with my friend Janice.  It was great fun.  Brian is an engineer (and for those of you not in the loop, Brian is Natalie's fiancee), so I took these bridge pictures because the detail seemed incredible.

 This is just for the family!  Look kids, our favorite place!!!! Ha Ha Ha!  Can you say tornado watch!

Check out the sleeping leopards!  Just by the fence in the middle of the picture by the tumble weed.

Mom Payne this was for you.  A Mexican wolf!

 Sunsets, need I say more!

The eastern sky, reflecting the sunset was almost as beautiful!

Sunrise!  I watched it each morning off my balcony, or from a chair in my room!  It was quite cold in Palm Desert.

One last random train scene!  Sorry about that!

Amigos para Siempre!

 On Friday I will be airborne, winging my way to this city, Quito.  I took this photo from the roof of the apartment building we got to stay in this summer.  I loved that apartment, and really especially loved the roof!  I think it was a big part of keeping me sane.  I just heard that this apartment is coming available this June!  However, I think it will be a little over our budget.  I wish it were not so. 
What are my thoughts as I prepare to head to Quito again? 
Well, my thoughts are a little muddled, my emotions mixed--no surprise there.  I am grappling with the reality that my heart is torn.  I love Ecuador, the people, the country, the beauty, "my girls" that I have loved on for years now.  However, this will be the last time I get to be there most probably with Sandi and Brad Miller.  When they leave that will be the end of an era in our mission.  Our friends the Clines, Coles, Carnills, Stucks, Laura, Rebe, Devin, Aaron, and many others, have moved away.  This summer I wrote about some of the impact that had on a familiar place being different and familiar all at the same time.  I mentioned being torn, so what is the other pull or tug that tears?  Well, our kids, and soon to be grandbaby boy!  I have deeply appreciated, loved, and savored being part of our grown kids lives over these last two years.  My heart needed that.  I find that it is not any easier contemplating being far away on another continent.  I am not sure what God has for us, but the reality is that whether I am here or there, there are always folks that I am missing. 
My brothers and parents live in Canada, just outside of Toronto, my cousins, aunts and uncles live in Northern Ireland, I have lots of friends all over the States, I have dear folks in Ecuador and then really wonderful friends here too.  The primary reason I long for heaven is to be face to face with the Lord Jesus, however, it will be a "yappa" (bonus) to have all these people in one place.  I have learned over the past years in the program that I have just finished that my desires are something that God cares about, works through, and in--furthermore, not being in touch with them can actually be an obstacle to God's work in me.  And so how do I learn to attend to this in the framework of surrender and yieldedness to Christ.  The termination of my program also means goodbyes to new friends that I have seen each week, and some of them daily over the last several years.  These are not ordinary friendships made slowly over a long period of time.  We had to go deep, right away, it was the nature of the program.  So there are things that these dear friends have held, and known about me that precious few others on earth know!  That is just the reality too.  So my heart breaks in different ways as I realize that that season is past.  The friendships don't have to be, and I have just come back from a few days in the desert celebrating with the two gals below!  Janice on the right of the picture and Blair on the left have been part of an unoficial cohort that we made of us "older gals".   There have been six of us.  One has returned to Indonesia, one has finished her certificate and is in Ojai area, another is planning a March wedding and in Jan Term class and couldn't join us.  But the three of us had a lovely time, walking, laughing, talking life and theology and friendships and fashion!  Yup!  The gamut!   I am so deeply thankful to God for these dear women!

This photo was taken the night of my graduation party that Phil and Amber  threw for me!  I got to have friends from college (Wendy) Lake Arrowhead (Underwoods, Gail, Lopez), Ecuador (Steph and Clines) family (my brother, Dad, and parents in law, plus all my grown kids and their husbands, wives and fiances, and friends)Parkinsons, Ponzios, Isf friends and new 1bl friends Bensons....so so many people from so many different parts and eras of my life came.  I was touched and humbled beyond words.  God poured out his love to me through their presence.
I wish I could have taken a group picture somehow!  I think that the hardest part of the event for me was not being able to do anything to help.  My kids totally spoiled me!  And they did a fabulous job!  I may always be more comfortable giving a party, but for that moment in time, I treasured their gift, and really had a marvelous time. 

This is Natalie and I at her favorite spot to sit and watch the ocean, sunsets in particular, but any old time seems perfect here!  This is Shell Beach, on the central coast of California.  I was up for a few days at the beginning of the year helping with wedding stuff.  :) But all work and no play .... you know...so we took moments to enjoy coffee together, and the beauty of her home town. 


I have been listening to a terrific CD friend Gina made for me.  She entitled it Juxtaposition: "the act of positioning close together or side by side."  I am thankful for those of you who choose to be in juxtaposition with Phil and I through prayer!  Thank you.  We have been sustained by those prayers over many years now (Phil. 1:19).  Please do pray now as we face a new season, and seek the Lord's direction for what will be next. 
Know that this blog is an attempt to do a better job of communicating with you all, giving you a peak into my heart, our ministry, our family. 

Mundane moments

Hello family and friends who faithfully or intermittently follow!  I am preparing physically and mentally, emotionally and spiritually to head to Ecuador on Friday morning early! I would so appreciate knowing you were praying.  Pray that I would be yielded to Holy Spirit--that I would be an instrument of peace and love and encouragement from Jesus Christ to my brothers and sisters in Christ.  Also that I can stay open and receptive to all God desires to do both in and through me.  I am juggling the talks I had and reworking prayerfully as there have been changes today that impact what God had given.  Pray for the Spirit to make clear how I should proceed, I feel a little uncertain tonight, but choose to trust the One who knows and loves me best! His ways are always good! Amen.  I don't have to know or understand them in order for that to be true. Thanks! I will write more in next few days and hope to be able to blog once or twice at least from Ecuador.  Hope to have pictures as well.

Random Reflections

"Earth's crammed with Heaven,

and every common bush afire with God;

but only he who sees takes off his shoes."
--Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I want to be a person who "sees" and "takes off my shoes" aware that I am on holy ground.  How about you?  Do you have eyes to see? Ears to hear?  Jesus often posed this question, or made the statement that if those listening had eyes to see, ears to hear, then they would respond in obedience to His call.  I don't want to be the kind of person that walks unaware of the common things that are "afire with God" who creates so much for us to enjoy, who reveals truths about Himself through nature if we will stop long enough to take it in thoughtfully, reflectively.  I had an interesting thing happen the night before last.  I was sitting in my chair working away on the computer, late afternoon sun streaming in through the curtains warming me body and soul as I worked.  I was vaguely aware of its warmth, and had stopped a few times to revel in the pattern of the sun shining through the curtains falling on the warm hardwood floor, but then I had become somewhat absorbed in what I was about, and I almost missed it.  I caught the glow out of the corner of my eye, and looked out the window to see the whole sky "on fire" with the fantastic colors of a winter sunset with just enough clouds in the sky to hold the color longer, keep the "fire" burning and expanding so that not just the western sky was lit up, but 360 degrees of skyline was burning with exquisite reds, pinks, oranges, and blues that only God can make look spectacular together.  If I were to mix those colors it would be chaotic disaster, clashing cacophony, but God, wow!  In minutes it was all gone, faded to gray-dusk, I had almost missed it.  I sat wondering how many times He has painted sky morning or evening for us, and we have been too busy to look up, too busy to notice.  I wondered how often I have missed what He was cramming, creating, because I am preoccupied with something and my head is down.  Do I miss people that He sends across my path for the same reasons?  I felt He had gently chastised me, drawn my attention to the fleeting nature of life, and whispered, "don't let it pass you by unnoticed."  Then the following morning I came across this Elizabeth Barrett Browning quote which is a favorite from long ago.  I smiled and thanked Him.  Another Eucharisteo.  As this day draws to a close I stop, and I reflect back over the day, the Examen--prayerful reflection, pausing to note and attend to where God was especially present, or where I sense He is drawing me to notice something, or right some wrong, confess some sinful way in me.  One of my favorite questions from this time is "What do I believe that I am not living as though I believe?"  That always gives me pause.  One of my favorite prayers is Scripture is found in Mark 9, "Lord I believe, help my unbelief."  Yes, I say I believe that God has the days of my life numbered, and will provide for me, has a purpose for me.  So, why do I worry?  I am so thankful for His conviction and His grace and forgiveness.  I am so thankful for His Spirit.  I am so thankful that the Living God resides in me!  That is mind blasting!

A Recommendation

http://www.aholyexperience.com/
This last year God has used many things to grow and change me, but there are several that make the top three list, and one of them is a book by Ann Vos Kamp entitled, A Thousand Gifts. I referenced the concept of eucharisteo--grace gifts--throughout the summer and that was from this book.  I just got connected to her blog, and it would be remiss of me not to share with you this truly refreshing, encouraging and challenging resource.  May God use it in your life as He is using it in mine!  And if you care to take the challenge this year, some of us have, and are doing Romans 8---you will have to read the blog to understand that! :)

Sunsets and Road Trips

 I was attempting to write my Road Trip blog and input pictures but it didn't work the way I was hoping, so I have returned to this tried and true method and will wait for tech support from my bright adult children or someone at the Genius bar at the mac store!  Until then, here we go!  I am back, blogging again, for better or worse.  I found I just loved this method of communicating, but knew that during the past semester I would not be able to keep it up.  It is time consuming, and I needed to focus one last semester, and finish strong.  I completed my course, and now am picking back up doing some things that have had to be on hold while I focused on school.  The last few days was a wonderful example of this.  I got to go up to San Luis Obispo and be with Natalie, our third child, second daughter!  She and Brian are planning a June 22 wedding!  And yes, for those of you that have known our family over the years, she and Brian will be married on the same date that Amber and Derek were married!  How fun is that!  November 22 is Phil's and my anniversary....so if you remember the 22....you will have three anniversaries from our family!  :)  I got to be with Natalie and enjoy time up in this beautiful part of California.  We watched sunsets 2 out of the 3 nights we were together.
The above picture was from a hike that I did with Natalie and Emily from Shell Beach, straight up!!!  Along a ridge and then straight down to the cliffs above the ocean.   We stood and watched God's handiwork from the edge of the ocean several hundred feet above where waves were crashing against the rocks.  Breathtaking beauty that is free for all to enjoy, anyone who will stop long enough to watch another day come to a close, see how God paints the sky this particular night--it is always different, no two sunsets alike.  I loved getting to do this with Natalie and Emily.  The next night, Natalie and Brian and I watched the sunset again, from just a bit farther south, and from the patio of a nice restaurant!  Lovely, relaxing end to the week!

 There might be places that are more beautiful, but for me, sunset over the ocean is impossible to beat.

On our hike, I stopped to catch my breath after a particularly steep uphill stretch, and as I looked up, this is what I saw!  I immediately thought of two friends....Bekah Rollins Rice a lover of trees of all sorts, and I never see a tree without thinking of her; and Mary Kay Esswein--she and I share a love of seeing the sun shine through trees just so....and so as I rested, I prayed for these two ladies.  Mary Kay is in India on a missions trip right now, and Bekah is back east.  I love that on the top of a ridge, far from everything, I can stop and lift up a prayer for friends, and know that the Spirit of God hears that prayer and works in ways that I can't understand, but nevertheless appreciate.  I needed nothing, no fancy shawl, no beads, no head covering, no special prayer room...I was surrounded by the majestic beauty of God's creation, a "cathedral" that is impossible to beat.  How I love that He invites us to pray without ceasing, and gives us access to the Holy of Holies at all times.

 Phil, I miss you.  I miss sharing sunsets, rain, drives, laughter and tears with you.  Phil is in Ecuador, and I will join him there later this month,but for now we are in different countries again.  God has brought me to a place of being able to find peace and joy even when we are apart.  It will never be my favorite thing, not even close, but I am thankful for all God has taught me through this season of being apart so much.  It has certainly made me more appreciative of when we get to be in the same zip code!  I am grateful that after 26 years I am still crazy about Phil, and he is still my best friend.  I am a lucky girl.

 Logan we need to do this hike together some time.  Maybe all of us can do it one evening in June around the wedding!  It is just beautiful at sunset!  I think you and Sammie got to do this with Natalie one time, but this was my first time on this particular hike.  I am done with the Bob Jones trail forever now, this will be my hike of choice in SLO!  I could do it weekly and would do so, if I lived up there, at sunrise and sunset!  The perfect spot to take your Bible and Journal, or just be with God and listen!

 "What can I do but praise you, what can I do but thank you, what can I do but give my life to you..." words of a worship song that this incredible sunset invited.  Natalie's upraised hands, apt praise posture to take in God's wondrous beauty!

 Austin, this is for you!  A latte, with the foam creatively "carved/swirled" into a heart!  I love you buddy, and am praying for you in S. Africa!  Even if you don't see this right now, know when you do that I was thinking of you, loving you and praying for you from San Luis!  It is the simple pleasures in life that bring such joy....a good cup of coffee...creativity in the foam....enjoying it with Natalie, and thinking of Austin so far away...thankful for all God is doing in and through Him right now.

 Road trips!  These are the pictures I wanted to post on my previous, shortest blog ever!  But I couldn't figure it out!  Here they are!  This is just outside of Santa Barbara, I stopped at a Vista Point, to just enjoy a moment, the beauty was staggering.  The hills so green reminded me of Ireland, even to the point that they were dotted with cows!  Again, my three plus hours in the car home felt more like a worship experience than a drive.  At least until I got south of Ventura!  The rain has turned the brown hills to an emerald green, which makes for stunning views of green mountains meeting blue ocean!  God you have given us such beauty to enjoy, give us eyes to see, and hearts that stop to take it in, not missing it as we rush through life.  Give us a willingness to open to you all day, wherever we are, whatever we are doing, to see your presence everywhere.

This was a fun panorama shot--ocean for 180 degrees.  I was just a few minutes away from Dan and Dee Dee Underwood at this point on my drive.  I stopped in to see them and enjoy a cup of tea together.  There is something so rich about being with friends who go back a long way!  When we moved to Lake Arrowhead their son Casey was a year old, and Austin was two weeks old!  I was at Amanda's baby shower, she is half way through her freshman year in college now!!!!!  In a few weeks Dee Dee and Amanda will come to Amber's baby shower!  Amber was four when we moved to Lake Arrowhead, and the Underwood clan have watched her grow up, prayed for her, and been an important part of our lives, even when we were in Ecuador.  God has richly blessed us, me, with deep, enriching friendships that reflect Him and His love.  At the beginning of 2013 I am taking inventory, and saying thank you to God for all of you who have walked through so much of life, prayed with and for me/us, and cared about what God was up to in us.  Thank you for walking out life's journey, it's joys and it's pains alongside of us.  We have walked side by side, in the same towns or cities for some of that journey, and at times it has been through phone calls, emails and visits on summer home assignments.  I am learning to relish and savor those times however short and I treasure them all up in my heart.  Thank you God for giving me friends that help me see different parts and aspects of you.

Road trips

I had the most lovely drive home from San Luis yesterday! The California coast is so gorgeous at any time of year but right now it is breathtaking!

slo children at play!

This has always been one of the signs that make me laugh! And up in San Luis obispo where Natalie went to college and now lives and works this twist is especially clever--slo for slow!!!!  Makes me laugh every time.  I have had a wonderful time up with Natalie helping with some wedding things, working in her classroom, hiking, watching sunsets, and hanging out with Brian, her fiancée in the evenings!
Phil is in Ecuador and I will be joining him on jan. 18.  I am getting to take a deep breath after a busy busy semester.  It is great to be able to be with Natalie for a few days up here in her stomping grounds.  I will enjoy a few days at home getting some projects done and prepping for some talks that I am working on.  It will also be good to have some time to rest up and be refreshed in body and spirit.
It is a strange feeling to have no homework, papers or exams to be working on.  Thankfully I have lots to be reading and I will continue to learn even if informally.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!  Welcome 2013!  It has been five months since I blogged.  The gap was due to an extremely intense semester at Talbot School of Theology, where I took on an additional class on top of a full load, by arranged study so as to be able to graduate in December of 2012.  A few weeks into the semester we found out that Natalie and Brian would be getting married in June of 2013, and Amber and Derek would be having a baby in April of 2013, and for me to be in class, having homework etc. was just not going to be the best thing.  It made for long, long days and weeks, but it was a wonderful semester experiencing and learning about living empowered by, and trusting in God, rather than being fueled by anxiety, and living in my own strength.  I have always been hardheaded and strong willed, so it usually takes extreme measures for God to teaching me life lessons, this semester was no exception.  It is only through God's grace that I was able to make it, it seemed impossible, and would have been on my own.  I stand amazed by all God did in and through me, and am so very thankful.  I graduated on December 21, 2012.  It was a time of great celebration with Phil flying my dad and brother, Stephen in to surprise me; my college roomie and dear friend Wendy Batz, flying down from the Bay area, friends from Ecuador, Clines and Stephanie, friends from Arrowhead days, Gail Russell, Lopez's, and Jim and Linda Underwood, friends from ISF--Blair, Janice, Cindy, Mark and Donna Vaughn and Marla, a special prof who has mentored and really poured into me--Dr. Judy TenElshof,  friends from Simi Valley--Parkinsons, new friends from church--the Bensons, family, kids and spouses and their friends all joined in throwing a party for me to celebrate this huge landmark in my life!  I now have a Master's in Spiritual Formation and Soul Care, and what the bottom line is with that?  I am more convinced than ever that my life is hidden with Christ, and In Christ alone is my hope, my identity, and in His love I have life and that very abundantly.   I was richly blessed by my family throwing me such an extravagant party to celebrate and make much of this mile marker with me.  I will post pictures once I get them collected from iphones and onto my computer!  I have basqued in the outpouring of love from family and friends, and find myself stopping to say thank you to God over and over.  It is with a sense of awe and gratitude to God for all that He has done over these last 2 1/2 years that I am starting 2013.  Thank you to each of you who have prayed for me from afar or from close by.  For those who have patiently waited for me to complete this program and done without homecooked food--Phil, my wonderful husband who has sacrificed so much for this dream to become reality--Thank you from the bottom of my heart.